How to Survive a Blood Transfusion

Blood. We all have it. Some of us see it more than others. But if you are a part of the 5.6% of Americans who have anemia, you’ve not only seen your blood—or the lack thereof—but other people’s blood. 
       

Hopefully, you never have to receive a phone call at seven a.m. for any reason. But if that day comes and you get a call from your doctor about going to the ER—my anemic friends—it is not a request but a demand (because your doctor will yell at you as mine did). This reality will hopefully never happen for some of you, but there is no guarantee it will not. When that day happens, we will all be bonded by a shared experience—having someone else’s tomato soup pumped into our veins. So, to scare you, non-anemic people, out of stealing blood from your iron-lacking neighbors and to scare my anemic friends into taking their iron supplements, here are a few points to help you survive your first blood transfusion.

1.)   Hydrate or Die-drate
If you are like me and have a low hemoglobin (red blood cell level), the ER doctor won’t believe you, and they will take a preliminary test. To escape the nurses missing your veins three times, drink that water! Chug it like your life depends on it. I don’t care if you have a weak bladder! Water is life. There should be vending machines in the waiting room of the ER; buy five bottles and drink them all before you are called for triage. This will come back to bite you, so make sure you are comfortable asking your nurse to use the bathroom. The frequent bathroom breaks won’t matter because at least your arms did not become a pincushion.

2.) Movie Marathon??? I Think Yes.
The average time it takes to get a transfusion is four hours after they have done all the tests and confirmed that your family doctor was correct. Depending on where you live and your hospital's quality, the entire process may take 6 to 17 hours. Bring things to entertain yourself, such as books, a computer to watch your favorite streaming service, or daydreaming (hey, to each their own). Your nurses and ER doctor will most likely abandon you for forty minutes to sometimes hours, and unless you like the pure, blinding light of God, they installed in the ceiling, find something productive. If not, you risk finding your way to a padded room with grippy socks.

3.)   Drinking the Carton of Blood (or Bag If You are Canadian)
It’s time to assume your final form. You enter the vampire club when those nurses hook up your first bag of O-negative blood. Play the song Blood Bank by Bon Iver as the phlebotomist carts in your first sack of blood for extra entertainment. If you feel pain as the blood pumps into your veins, TELL YOUR NURSE. Unless you're anxious—then say it doesn’t hurt even though you are dying inside. It should feel cold and painless. If there is pain, it could mean that your body is rejecting the blood like that guy you like at school (for instructions on what to do, note the phrase in cap-locks). Your veins will experience the first flash flood of their life for two hours. Unlike a lecture for your online college course, you cannot speed up this process to get it done quicker. So, I hope you noted my earlier points because the moment they pump blood, you can no longer go to the bathroom and have a four-hour window to read that book you said you would four months ago. 

4.) Contemplate Your New Existence
You now have someone else’s blood in you. Gross. Questions will start to cross your mind, such as: 
If I was murdered, who would they know was killed? If I lick a cut, I’m not licking my blood but a margarita of mine and a stranger’s. Am I even me anymore? 
These are entirely typical questions, but I suggest you wait to answer them with a therapist. We don’t need more philosophers. 

5.) Congrats! Your Human Oil Change Worked!
Your body will feel exhausted after six hours and two pints of blood (or more, depending on your depletion). But your ER doctor has gone missing and won’t return for another two hours to discuss the next steps. They might ask if you want another blood test to ensure your levels have increased. DENY IT. Escape the first ring of Dante’s Inferno while you still can. The following steps can always be made at your cheaper family doctor.

6.) Where Are Your Manners?
During your stay at the ER, make sure to say “thank you” to your nursing staff and doctor. While the long periods that they are away can be frustrating, they are still humans. Treat them kindly, and they might just let you out before midnight. But they definitely won’t lower your hospital bill—unfortunately, your yearly subscription fee to live in the United States doesn’t cover this.

Things to Remember 
You are not alone. Yes, you may not be a vampire, but only 5.6% of our population experience this disability. Your veins will be thankful for blood, and your organs have finally received their paycheck after years of backlog. The road to recovery is different for everyone. Take your iron supplements, watch out for cravings for ice or other crunchy foods, drive safe, and get your blood labs done regularly. Most infusions can be avoided if blood work is done regularly. And if you ever need to drink the blood juice box again, that is okay; there is still time to figure out what is wrong with your body.